Cancer Changes Things
Cancer and the Family
Cancer: Can It Be Cured?
One Way to Help Yourself: Learn About Cancer
Cancer Treatment
Learning More on Your Own
Cancer in the Family: What It's Like for You
How Your Parents Feel
Putting It All Together
Resources
Cancer Changes Things
When someone in your family has cancer, things can change for everyone. These
changes can be large or small. What it is like to have a parent or a brother or
sister with cancer depends on a lot of things such as:
- Who in your family has cancer.
- What kind of cancer the person has and how it's treated.
- How old you are.
- If you have other people in your family or close friends nearby who
can help.
- Whether you live with two parents or with one.
- If you have brothers and sisters at home and how old they are.
- How far the person with cancer goes for treatment-across town or to
another city or state-and if you can visit or call them.
- How long the person has to stay in the hospital.
- How well or sick the person with cancer feels.
- Whether you can get the answers to your questions about cancer.
- How easy it is for your family or friends to talk with you about cancer.
- How easy it is for you to talk about cancer.
- Whether your friends know what is happening to your family.
- How your friends treat you.
Any of these can make a difference, and only you know how cancer has changed
your life. One piece of information can't answer all your questions. This information was written
to help you understand more about cancer and how it is treated. It may help
you to understand the changes that may happen in your life. It also may
help you understand and deal with feelings you have about cancer and about
the person in your family who has it.
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Cancer and the Family
Any illness changes family life for a while. A parent or a brother or sister
who is home sick with the flu can't spend as much time with the family as
usual. The sick person may get special attention, and you may need to help
around the house. But most times, the person is not sick for very long, and
family life soon goes back to normal.
But when someone has cancer, it is different. He or she needs special medical
treatment and may go to the hospital or clinic a lot. People in the family may
worry. They worry for the person who has cancer and for themselves. Cancer is a
serious illness, and it can be scary if you don't know for sure if the person
will get well or not.
People in your family may react differently. They may be afraid or angry that
their life has changed. They may be tired, or they may be nervous about the
future. They may be tense and not as easy to talk to as before, because they
are worried. Some people may go on just as if nothing has happened, and they
may not seem different at all. If you are upset, you may wonder if they care
about the family member who has cancer. It's important to remember that each
person reacts in his or her own way. You may get mad at other members of your
family for the way they are acting. It is better to talk with them than to stay
mad. If you talk, you can understand why they are acting that way.
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More people are living with cancer now than ever before, and new ways to treat
cancer are being discovered.
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Having cancer doesn't necessarily mean a person will die from it.
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Nothing you did or didn't do caused your family member to get cancer.
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Nothing you thought or said caused your family member to get cancer.
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Cancer is not contagious-you can't catch it from someone else or give it to
anyone else.
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You or your parents could not have protected your brother or sister from
getting cancer.
-
If someone in your family has cancer, that doesn't mean that you or anyone else
in your family also will get it.
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Nobody can tell you why your parent or brother or sister is sick, and you're
healthy.
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The way you behave cannot change the fact that someone has cancer or that your
family is upset.
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It is good for you to continue with school and outside activities.
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Cancer: Can It Be Cured?
Some people think that because a person has cancer he or she is going
to die. Although some people do die from cancer, many do not. More people
are living with cancer today than ever before. In many cases, cancer treatment
can cause a remission (ree-MISH-un).* Remission means that there are no
more signs of the cancer. A remission can last for months or years and sometimes
lasts so long that the person is considered cured. But sometimes the cancer
comes back. If this happens, it is called a relapse (REE-laps) or recurrence
(re-KUR-unce). When that happens, treatment usually starts again.
Whether the person in your family can be cured of cancer depends on
many things, and no booklet can tell you exactly what to expect. If you
wonder how your parent or brother or sister is doing, ask an adult who you
think will know. Ask someone in your family or someone who works with people
who have cancer. If your parents agree, you may want to talk to the doctor,
nurse, or social worker at the hospital where your family member goes for
treatment. Nobody can tell you what will happen in the future, but they
can help you understand what is happening.
It may help to know that a lot of cancer research is being done, and
ways of treating cancer are getting better.
*Groups of letters surrounded by ( ) are here to help you pronounce
words that might be new to you.
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One Way to Help Yourself: Learn About Cancer
Learning about the type of cancer the person in your family has and the
treatment being used will help you understand what is happening to your family
member. Both of these are important to know about because there are more than
100 different types of cancer, and the treatment for each type is different.
Also, there may be more than one way of treating a type of cancer, so people
who have the same kind of cancer may not even get the same treatment. Treatment
will depend on how old the patient is, whether the cancer has spread to other
places in the body, and what the doctors think is best for each patient.
Treatment will usually follow a protocol (PRO-to-kol), which is a plan for
treating cancer. However, even if two people have the same type of cancer and
the same treatment, the treatment may not work the same way for both of them.
So, if you know or hear of someone who has had the same type of cancer and
treatment as your family member, and that person did not do well, it doesn't
mean that your family member isn't going to get well. It is important to
remember that each person is different and can react to treatment differently.
Benign
(be-NINE): Not cancer.
Biopsy
(BY-op-see): A test where a piece of tissue (a group of cells) is taken from a
person's body and looked at through a microscope to see if the cells are
normal. This is one way to see if a person has cancer. A biopsy also can tell
what type of cancer a person has.
Cancer
(KAN-ser): Over 100 diseases where cells that are not normal grow and divide
rapidly. They crowd out and destroy normal cells the body needs. Cancer can
also spread to other parts of the body.
Diagnosis
(dy-ag-NO-sis): Identifying a disease. A diagnosis is based on tests and
doctors' experience and knowledge.
Hematology
(hee-ma-TOL-o-jee): The study of the blood, the parts of the body where blood
is formed, and blood diseases.
Immune cells:
Cells in the body that protect a person from infection and disease.
Lump:
A thickness or bump under the skin that can be felt by the fingers, either by
the person who has it or by a doctor. Lumps can be a sign of cancer, but most
lumps are not cancerous.
Lymphatic system
(lim-FAT-ik): Certain tissues and organs of the body that make and store cells
that fight infection and disease (immune cells). These cells are carried
throughout the body in an almost colorless fluid called lymph (limf). Lymph and
the vessels that carry lymph fluid also are part of this system.
Malignant
(ma-LIG-nant): Cancer.
Metastasis
(ma-TAS-ta-sis): The spread of cancer from one part of the body to another.
Metastasis also is the word used for a new tumor caused by the spread of cancer
cells.
Oncology
(on-KOL-o-jee): The study and treatment of cancer.
Prognosis
(prog-NO-sis): What might happen to a person who has a disease.
Recurrence
(re-KUR-unce): The return of cancer cells and signs of cancer after a
remission.
Relapse
(REE-laps): Recurrence.
Remission
(ree-MISH-un): The disappearance of cancer symptoms and cells. When this
happens, the disease is said to be "in remission."
Tissue
(TISH-u): A group of cells that performs a specific function.
Tumor (TOO-mur): An abnormal mass of tissue.
Cancer is a group of more than 100 diseases. Each type of cancer has its own
name (such as lung cancer, breast cancer, leukemia), its own treatment, and its
own chances of being cured. Each type of cancer is different from the others in
many ways, but every cancer is the same in this way: Certain cells become
abnormal and grow without control.
The millions of tiny cells that make up the human body are so small that they
can be seen only by looking through a microscope. Although there are different
kinds of cells, such as hair cells, skin cells, and blood cells, each type of
cell makes new cells by dividing into two. This is how worn out, old cells are
replaced with new ones.
What happens when someone has cancer is that a cell changes and doesn't do the
job it should do for the body. When a cancer cell divides, it makes more cells
like itself-cells that are not normal. These cells keep dividing into more
cells. Eventually, they crowd out and destroy the normal, healthy cells and
tissues the body needs.
A group of cells that keeps growing and crowding out normal cells is called a
tumor (TOO-mur). There are two kinds of tumors. A benign (bee-NINE) tumor is
not cancer. The cells of a benign tumor can crowd out healthy cells, but they
cannot spread to other parts of the body. A malignant (ma-LIG-nant) tumor is
cancer. Like a benign tumor, it can crowd out healthy cells around it. Unlike a
benign tumor, however, a malignant tumor also can spread to other parts of the
body. To do this, a cell or group of cells breaks away and moves, usually
through the blood or lymphatic system, to other parts of the body. There they
divide and grow and form tumors made up of cancer cells like the cells they
came from. When this happens, it is called metastasis (me-TAS-ta-sis).
Scientists know that you can't "catch" cancer from someone who has it.
It does not spread like chicken pox or the flu. You can't catch it from being
with a person who has cancer or by drinking from the same glass as that person.
You may know that you can't "catch" cancer, but you may wonder if
having someone in your family who has cancer means that you also are going to
get cancer. Instead of worrying, it is best to talk with your parents and the
doctor about this. They can tell you that cancer usually doesn't run in
families, and you can talk about what scares you.
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Cancer Treatment
There are four main kinds of treatment for cancer-surgery, chemotherapy,
radiation therapy, and biological therapy. These are used to destroy cancer
cells and bring about a remission. Depending on what type of cancer people
have, they could have one kind of treatment or a combination of treatments.
Treatments for cancer sometimes cause unwanted side effects such as hair loss,
nausea, and weakness. Side effects are problems caused by the treatment. This
happens because cancer treatment that destroys cancer cells also can hurt some
normal cells.
Sometimes, people with cancer are treated in studies that test different types
of cancer treatment. You may hear someone in your family talk about
"clinical trials"; these are carefully designed studies that test new
and promising treatments.
Biological therapy:
Treatment to improve the ability of immune cells to fight infection and
disease.
Chemotherapy
(kee-mo-THER-a-pee): Treatment with anticancer drugs.
Clinical trials:
Research studies that involve patients.
Intravenous
(in-tra-VEE-nus): Into the vein. Also called IV. A common way of getting
medicines into the bloodstream is by having them drip down from a container
through a tube and needle and into a vein. Medicine also can be injected into
the vein through a syringe (veins are tubes that carry blood back to the heart
from all parts of a person's body). After surgery, blood or fluids to help a
patient recover can be given through IVs.
Protocol
(PRO-to-kol): A detailed plan that doctors follow when treating cancer
patients.
Radiation therapy
(ray-dee-AY-shun THER-a-pee): Treatment of cancer with high-energy rays to kill
or damage cancer cells. This treatment can come from a machine or from
materials put in or near the cancer. Radiation therapy does not make the
patient radioactive.
Side effects:
Problems caused when cancer treatment affects healthy cells in the body. The
most common side effects are hair loss, being tired, and having nausea,
vomiting, and mouth sores.
Surgery
(SUR-ja-ree): An operation. Cancer surgery is done to remove cancerous tissue
from the body.
Vein
(vayne): Tubes that carry blood back to the heart from all parts of the body.
Surgery (SUR-ja-ree) is an operation. In cancer surgery, all or part of the
tumor may be cut out. Sometimes healthy tissue around the tumor also is taken
out. When people have surgery, they often have to stay in the hospital until
they are strong enough to come home. When they do come home, they may still be
weak from the surgery. There may be some things they should not do for a while,
like lifting heavy things or climbing stairs, because the body needs time to
heal after surgery.
Chemotherapy (kee-mo-THER-a-pee) is the treatment of cancer with drugs that
destroy cancer cells. These drugs go into the blood stream and are carried to
cancer cells anywhere in the body. Chemotherapy is usually given many times for
several months or years.
Chemotherapy is most often taken through a needle inserted into a vein, called
an intravenous (in-tra-VEE-nus) or IV for short, or into a muscle (a shot), or
by mouth (liquid or pills). Many different drugs are used in chemotherapy.
Doctors decide which drug or groups of drugs to use depending on what type of
cancer the person has.
Chemotherapy works mainly on the cancer cells. But healthy cells, especially
those that also divide quickly, can be harmed as well. This can cause unwanted
side effects, and almost all people taking chemotherapy will have side effects.
Most side effects don't last long and will gradually go away after treatment is
stopped. The doctor can tell your parents (or the person with cancer) which
side effects are most likely.
When chemotherapy acts on normal cells in the stomach and the rest of the
digestive tract, from the mouth on down, it can cause nausea and vomiting.
Sometimes people lose their appetite. If they have sores on the tongue, gums,
or inside the cheeks, it is hard to eat, especially if the food is too hot,
cold, or spicy. People often lose some weight because of these side effects.
Nausea and vomiting usually stop within 1 or 2 days after the drug is taken.
Mouth sores may last longer and may not even start until 1 or 2 weeks after
taking certain drugs. Many people with mouth sores use special mouth rinses to
ease the pain.
Temporary hair loss is another common side effect of chemotherapy. Sometimes
the hair falls out all at once, and other times it slowly thins out. There's no
way to know whether all the hair will come out or if some parts of the body
will lose more hair than others. Even if hair is lost, it usually grows back
after treatment has stopped. Some people wear a wig, cap, or scarf until their
hair grows back.
The bone marrow, the innermost part of the bone, makes new blood cells. If
chemotherapy affects the bone marrow, it cannot produce as many blood cells as
usual. For a while, the person may have fewer red blood cells, white blood
cells, or platelets (PLAYT-lets), which are different kinds of cells in the
blood.
Red blood cells carry needed oxygen to the tissues. When red blood cells are
low, the person may be tired, pale, or cranky.
White blood cells fight infection. When they are low, the person is more likely
to get sick and may need to stay out of crowded places or away from people who
have something they could catch-like a cold, the flu, or chicken pox. Because
of this, you may need to stay away from them if you get sick. Tell your parents
when you have been around anyone who is sick, including anyone who has a cold,
so they can watch for signs that you might be getting sick.
Platelets help stop bleeding. People who don't have enough platelets may bruise
or bleed easily. They may have to stay away from rough play. If they get a
nosebleed while their platelets are low, don't panic. They may bleed a little
more than someone else would, but it will stop.
You may notice changes in how the person who is getting chemotherapy acts
sometimes. Everyone has ups and downs, but these may be more extreme in people
taking some kinds of chemotherapy. They may feel depressed, nervous, very
hungry, or not hungry at all. Of course, every change like this is not due to
chemotherapy. The person with cancer may be sad or worried.
The side effects people have depend on the drugs they take. They may have some
or none of the side effects mentioned here, or they may have others. Young
people who have had a parent or brother or sister with cancer have found that
it is best to find out what to expect by talking to their parents or the person
with cancer.
Side effects of chemotherapy are not pleasant, but they don't last forever. The
drugs do not destroy all of the normal cells. Once chemotherapy is over, the
hair usually grows back, and the bone marrow produces the normal amount of new
blood cells. People with cancer begin to feel and act like themselves again.
In radiation therapy (ray-dee-AY-shun THER-a-pee), high-energy rays from
radioactive substances are aimed at a malignant tumor. This damages the cancer
cells. They die because they can not divide. Some normal cells close to the
tumor also will be damaged. But most healthy cells are protected by special
lead shields that cover the parts of the body not being treated.
To be sure the radiation is aimed right at the cancer, dye or felt-tip markers
are used to mark the target area on the skin. These marks are needed until
treatments are finished.
If you've ever had an x-ray, you know something about what radiation therapy is
like and that it does not hurt. Radiation treatments for cancer take only a few
minutes and often are given over a period of several weeks.
In some cases, radiation is not beamed through a machine but instead comes from
radioactive material placed in or near the tumor. Surgery is used to insert
radiation implants in the tumor. Then cancer cells will be destroyed from
inside the body.
The person who gets radiation therapy is not radioactive during or after
radiation therapy. When people have an implant in place, however, you will not
be allowed to get too close to them until it is removed. They will be in the
hospital during this short period of time.
Although radiation therapy is not painful, it can cause unwanted side effects.
The person may be more tired than usual. The skin where radiation is aimed may
feel like it has been sunburned and will need to be protected from the sun.
Hair may fall out but only in the area receiving radiation. If the radiation
therapy aims at the stomach, the person may have nausea or vomiting, diarrhea,
or a loss of appetite. People who have radiation treatments to the head or neck
may have a sore throat, headaches, difficulty swallowing, loss of appetite,
loss of taste, or a changed sense of smell.
The body's natural defense system is known as the immune system. Biological
therapy uses substances to try to improve the ability of immune cells to fight
infection and disease, including cancer. Some of the words you may hear when
the doctor, nurse, or your family talks about biological therapy are
interleukin (in-ter-LOO-kin), interferon (in-ter-FEAR-on), growth factors, or
colony-stimulating factors.
Biological therapy may cause a person to have nausea, diarrhea, loss of
appetite, chills, fever, and/or a rash. During treatment, the person may feel
weak or tired. These side effects go away when the treatment stops.
There's nothing you can do to prevent side effects from cancer treatment, but
you can help make them a little easier. Just understanding that side effects
can make your parent or brother or sister feel tired or sick may help you be
more patient. And if the person with cancer is tired or sick but wants company,
you can spend time with them doing quiet things such as talking, reading,
watching TV, or playing games.
Hematologist
(hee-ma-tol-o-jist): A doctor who is a specialist in the study and treatment of
blood diseases.
Oncologist
(on-KOL-o-jist): A doctor who is a specialist in treating people with cancer.
Pathologist
(pa-THOL-o-jist): A doctor who is a specialist in the study of cells and
tissues removed from the body as well as in making a diagnosis based on changes
in these cells.
Radiation oncologist
(ray-dee-AY-shun): A doctor who is a specialist in using radiation to treat
cancer.
Radiologist
(ray-dee-OL-o-jist): A doctor who is a specialist in making and explaining
pictures of areas inside the body. These pictures are made with x-rays, sound
waves, or other types of energy.
Surgeon
(SUR-jun): A doctor who is a specialist in doing operations.
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Learning More on Your Own
Now you know something about cancer in general, how it is treated, and about
side effects from treatment. You may want to know more about your family
member's cancer-like what kind it is, its treatment, and what that means for
all of you. If you want to know more, ask someone who can answer questions such
as:
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What kind of cancer is it?
-
Where is the cancer?
-
Will my family member get better?
-
What is the best kind of treatment for this type of cancer? Will more than one
kind of treatment be used?
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How do people feel when they receive this treatment? Does the treatment hurt?
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How often is this treatment given? How long will the treatment last?
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Does the treatment change how people look, feel, or act? If so, how?
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How long do treatments last-a morning, a week? Can I visit?
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Where are treatments given? What is it like? Can I come along?
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What will happen to me during these treatments?
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Can people receiving this treatment go back to school or work right away? Is it
better for them to stay at home?
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Can my family member eat the same foods as everyone else? If not, what special
foods or diets are needed?
-
What can I do to help?
You may have questions of your own. Sometimes people who have a
parent or brother or sister with cancer can visit the cancer treatment center
instead of just imagining what it's like. You can see the building and
equipment and meet the people who work there. Sometimes, you can meet other
cancer patients.
If the hospital is too far away or has rules against your visiting, you could
ask other people who have gone to the hospital to tell you what it's like. They
can tell you about the people they know such as the doctors, nurses, social
workers, and patients, and describe a typical day. They can bring home
booklets, draw you pictures, and take photographs. This way they can share
their experiences with you, and you can learn a little about the hospital.
Reading about cancer also may be useful. If you decide to read about cancer, be
sure that what you read is up-to-date. Cancer treatment is getting better so
fast that information may be out of date in a few years.
And remember, just as you're an individual, so is the person in your family who
has cancer. Your family's experiences may not be exactly like those you read
about. If you read something or see something on TV or in the movies, do not
assume that what happens to the cancer patient in the story will happen to the
person in your family.
If you read something or see something on TV or in the movies that you don't
understand or you want to talk about, you may want to share it with your
parents or another adult you trust. Pick someone who knows you and what you are
experiencing. Give them the book or article to read or tell them about what you
saw. Sometimes, when you are worried, it is hard to concentrate on what you
have seen or read. It may help to talk it over and share how you feel.
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Cancer in the Family: What It's Like for You
When someone in your family has cancer, it may mean many things to you. Other
people who have been through it say it can be a lot of things: confusing,
scary, lonely, and much more. You may find that you have feelings that are hard
to understand and sometimes hard to share.
This section tells about the experiences of others who have had a family member
with cancer. Some of what you read, especially about feelings, may not make
sense or seem right to you. It may even seem silly. Or it may seem a lot like
what you've felt and what has happened to you.
Remember, feelings aren't "good" or "bad." They are just
feelings and are normal and shared by many others. And even if you try to wish
them away or ignore them, or if you feel guilty or ashamed of them, they'll
still be there.
A good way to handle feelings is to admit you have them and talk about them.
Talk with your parents, other adults, or your friends. Or you can talk with
others who have had a family member with cancer. You'll be surprised how much
better you feel once you have talked about your feelings.
For Support and Sharing Feelings:
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Grandparents, aunts, uncles
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Neighbors
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Teachers, guidance counselors
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Ministers, rabbis, priests
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Coaches, youth or scout leaders
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Special adult friends
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Older brother or sister
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Friends your own age
For Support and Information About Cancer:
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Someone at the hospital-a doctor, nurse, social worker, or other person
treating your family member
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Family doctor
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School nurse
Sometimes it's not easy to talk about what you feel or about problems. Not only
is it hard to say what you feel, but other people may not be ready or able to
listen or to be helpful. Some of your questions may upset your parents because
they don't know how to answer or because your worries remind them of their own.
It's possible that your parents may not be ready to talk when you are. They may
need more time to sort things out in their own minds before they can talk with
you. Some parents, no matter how much they love their children, don't know how
to talk about upsetting things with them. If your parents aren't able to talk
with you about your feelings, they may be able to help you find someone you can
talk to, like someone at the hospital, a relative or friend, or a teacher or
school counselor.
Here is what some others who have had a parent or brother or sister with cancer
have said about what they felt:
"I really didn't understand much at first. Mostly I was afraid that she
might die, because my sister and I are pretty close. I was really scared, and I
also thought it might be catching or something."-Laura, age 13
The girl who said this had a sister with cancer, but it can be just as scary
when a parent has cancer. When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, it may
seem as though your whole world has fallen apart. You may not know much about
it, so you may remember what you've heard about cancer before. Being afraid
someone might die from cancer is normal, especially if the only people with
cancer that you have known have died. And being afraid that you or another
person in the family might catch it is normal, too. Why? Because there are so
many things you can catch from someone else such as a cold or the flu. It's
easy to think cancer may be the same, but doctors and other scientists know
that you cannot catch cancer from anyone. Learning about cancer can help you.
You will feel less afraid when you know more about the disease.
"One day I went to the clinic with my brother for his treatment. I saw the
machine that he gets radiation from and how IVs work, and I met his doctor and
the nurses. I saw lots of other kids who didn't have any more hair than he
does. Now, when he goes to the clinic, I don't have to wonder what he's going
through. I know what it's like. It's no fun for a little kid like him, but it's
not as bad as I thought."-Matthew, age 14
Hearing about treatments and tests can be hard. Some people find it's scary
just to think about the needles and blood tests and radiation treatments.
Sometimes, learning about these things and talking to the person with cancer
(or someone else) about what it's really like is the best way to deal with
these fears. If a trip to the hospital is possible, it might help.
"When dad's in the hospital, mom goes too, and I stay with my aunt, Emily.
She's nice, but sometimes, I get scared because I don't know how dad is, or I
miss them. So now mom and dad call me every night before dinner, and they tell
me what's happening, and I can tell them about my day, and I know they're all
right."-Erin, age 9
Sometimes, when one parent has cancer, the other one spends a lot of time at
the hospital and away from the rest of the family. Having their parents at the
hospital instead of at home can be scary to some young people. They may worry
about their parents and need to have someone special to call to make sure that
things are all right.
"I got really mad at Chrissy one day. She wouldn't let me go bike riding
with her and my cousin, and I got mad and said 'I wish you were dead.' Now she
has leukemia, and she could die, and I think maybe it's my fault. I was scared
to tell anyone because then they'd all know what I did and be mad. But my dad
heard me crying one night, and he got me to tell him why. He says it isn't my
fault or anybody else's that Chrissy has cancer, and you can't make somebody
get cancer just by what you say."-Katy, age 10
Until you understand what does and doesn't cause cancer, it's easy to think
that anything could have done it-even words or a fall.
"I left my junk all over the floor one night instead of putting it away,
and the next morning, mom fell over it. She was mad and had a lot of bruises. A
little later, the doctor told her she had cancer. She's in the hospital now.
Maybe if she hadn't fallen down because of me, she'd be okay."-Tom, age 11
Just as words can't cause cancer, neither can bruises or bumps or even broken
bones. Never forget: It was nothing you did, said, or thought that caused the
cancer.
Some people are afraid to tell any one what they are thinking and may feel
guilty for a long time. Even if your parents can see that something is worrying
you, they may not be able to guess what it is. It's hard to talk about,
especially if you think you've done something wrong, and everyone will be mad
at you. But it is best to get it out in the open so you and your parents or
someone at the hospital can talk it over.
People sometimes feel guilty because they are well, and their parent or sibling
is sick. Young people may feel that it's not right for them to enjoy things
they like to do when the person with cancer can't do what he or she likes.
These feelings show that you care about your family, but it's important to care
not only for the person with cancer but also for yourself. It's best for
everyone if you keep being you and doing things that are important to you.
"Last year, mom and dad always drove me to play softball, but now dad's
sick and mom's always at the hospital or busy at work or at home. I didn't
think I'd be able to play this year, and I wasn't sure I should, with my dad so
sick. I told my grandmom, and she said I should play, and she'd take me. She
likes to come, and she tells my folks all about the game and how I played. Next
year, maybe, they'll all be able to come."-Dave, age 11
"Sometimes, I feel mad at my brother for having cancer. I know that's not
right, and he can't help it. But it has changed everything. My mom and dad
don't talk about anything but him and neither does anyone else. It's just not
fair."-Sharon, age 13
People who have a brother or sister or a parent with cancer can feel angry at
that person for getting sick and changing their lives. This may seem wrong, and
people sometimes feel guilty about getting mad. But, if having someone with
cancer in your family means you can't be with your parents as much or have to
stay somewhere else or give up things you like, it can be hard. Even if you
understand why it's happening, you don't have to like it. Others who have been
through it say it's important to remember that things won't always be this way.
And when you get mad, remember that it doesn't mean you are a bad person or
don't love the person with cancer. It just means you're mad.
One of the things that young people get mad about is feeling left out or
neglected. Some feel that they don't get as much attention as before, and they
often are right. Family members, including your parents, all have a lot on
their minds, and they may have to put all their energy into helping the person
with cancer. This may not leave much time for you, especially if they are going
back and forth to the clinic or hospital.
Young people often feel that the brother or sister with cancer gets more
attention from their parents.
"At night my parents go in and turn on my sister's light and kiss her good
night, and they don't come in my room-well, sometimes mom will. She tells me,
'Don't think we are partial to her.' "-Maria, age 15
Young people may feel that their sibling with cancer gets away with a lot of
things that they can't do.
"If I do something wrong, mom yells. If my brother does, she lets it
pass."-Dennis, age 13
Why do some parents do this? It's not because they don't love all their
children. This is a confusing time for them, just as it is for you. They have
to learn a lot about cancer and hospitals very fast. They are tired and
worried. They see one of their children sick and may try to make up for it by
giving that child a little more attention. Parents know, as you do, that some
people die from cancer, and they could be afraid of that and want to do all
they can for your brother or sister who has cancer. Sometimes they give a young
person with cancer special treatment that isn't wanted.
"I have a sister who has cancer. She gets upset because she's treated
differently now. She doesn't want to be babied, just treated normally as she
was before. She and mom always used to fight, and now mom is really sweet all
the time, and it's weird. Not that my sister likes to fight, but it's just not
normal." -Peggy, age 15
For whatever reason, and whether your brother or sister likes it or not, your
parents may give special treatment to the one who has cancer. At times like
this, it's normal to feel jealous, even if people tell you that you shouldn't
because you're not sick. But it's natural for you to want time with your
parents and some special attention, too.
Young people who have a parent with cancer also may feel neglected.
"Now that mom's sick, everything at our house is different. We hardly ever
eat together as a family anymore, and there's never anyone to help me with my
homework or to listen to me. Mom used to do that. I feel like it's sort of
being left up to me to take care of myself."-Martha, age 13
When one parent has cancer, the other one may be so busy that neither one of
them can spend much time with the rest of the family.
"Sometimes, my father feels like he is neglecting us because he is with
mom so much. And, in a way, it's true. I know he can't help it. He has to work
and wants to see mom, but he's not around like he used to be, and he doesn't do
things with us like he did. He's just too busy."-Barry, age 16
If you feel like you're not getting much attention, whether you have a parent
or a brother or sister with cancer, remember that the person with cancer is
getting more attention because they need special care not because you are loved
less.
You may be lucky and have a special friend and friends who treat you the same
as before your family member was diagnosed with cancer. But many young people
with cancer in their families have found that they've lost some of their
friends. Sometimes this happens because friends may not know much about cancer
and may be afraid of catching it from you. Or they may not know what to say and
find it easier to stay away than to be embarrassed. Having cancer in your
family may make you act a little different because you're upset or scared or
embarrassed or because you want to be with your family.
"Sometimes, my friends wonder why I act strange. I wish they understood
that, sometimes, I don't want to do what they're doing, I really want to be
with my sick sister."-Nan, age 12
If your friends don't understand, they may think that you don't want to see
them anymore. It can be a hard time for all of you.
What can you do? You may need to reach out to your friends, even if that's hard
to do. Maybe everyone won't respond as you'd like, but it helps if you give
them a chance. Often friends just don't know how to act and need you to tell
them how you want to be treated. They also may need you to show that you still
need them, even if you seem a little different because you're upset. You may
want to invite them over to watch TV, play video games, or just to talk. Let
them know that you still enjoy talking with them on the phone or going to the
movies- just as you did before.
If this is a hard time for you, remember that it won't last forever. Old friends
may become close to you again. And people who have lost friends have found that
they also made new ones. There may be someone at school who has had a sick
person in the family and will understand how you feel. That person could be a
special new friend.
When your friends do talk to you, some of them may not say what you want to
hear. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, people ask a lot of questions
that are hard to answer.
"People asked me questions all the time. They'd say things like 'I heard
Jean is in a coma' or 'I heard you were hysterical.' Whenever I told them the
truth, they didn't believe me. And they'd ask dumb questions like 'Can Jean
walk? Can she write?' They didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know how
to answer them. I got sick of it."-John, age 14
One way to answer your classmates' questions is for you and your parents to
talk to your teacher and see if the teacher or someone who knows about cancer
and its treatment can talk to your class. Ask the doctor, nurse, or social
worker about a school conference or classroom presentation. This will give your
friends a chance to ask their questions and be sure they're getting the right
answers-not about your family member but about cancer in general.
Other people ask questions, and they may not know that some of them are hard
for you to answer or make you feel bad. If you want to answer their questions,
it's a good idea to think of what people might ask and have an answer ready.
People may ask you how the person with cancer is feeling or how long the person
will be in the hospital. And they also may ask questions like these:
"Are you going to get cancer from your mother?"
"Why does your brother always wear that cap? Did his hair really fall
out?"
"Is your dad going to die?"
"What did your sister do to get cancer?"
You may want to get help finding answers to questions like these. There may be
several people to ask such as your parents, teacher, or school counselor, an
adult friend, or the doctor, nurse, or social worker. And remember, you always
can tell people that you don't want to talk about something or that you don't
know. You don't have to answer their questions. Sometimes, though, trying to
answer a few questions and talking about your feelings can help others
understand what you are experiencing.
"Since my brother lost his hair and got so pale and thin, I don't want to
bring my friends home anymore. I don't want them to see how different Tim looks
now, and I don't think he likes to see them. Besides, it's not easy to laugh
and giggle at home when someone is sick."-Caroline, age 12
Sometimes people who have a person with cancer in their family may feel
embarrassed because now their family is different. It is different from what it
used to be, and it is different from their friends' families. And people who
ask them questions they can't answer just embarrass them more. So sometimes
they want to try to leave the cancer at home and hope that none of their
friends learn about it. Of course, you can't really do that because when
someone you love is sick, you need people you can talk to and who understand if
you're upset. If you feel a little embarrassed around people because someone in
your family has cancer, remember that others have felt this way also and that
this feeling often goes away once everyone has gotten used to what is
happening.
Even though others feel all right about asking a lot of questions, some people
with a family member who has cancer find that it embarrasses them to ask
questions. Just remember: No question is a dumb question if you don't
understand it.
"At first I didn't ask any questions, although I had a lot of them. I
thought people would think I was really dumb, but now I know it really helps to
ask."-Brad, age 14
"Diane had all this hair, and some nights it would fall out and be all over
her pillow when she woke up, or fall out in her comb, or when she washed her
hair. It really kind of scared me to see that happen at first, but she took it
pretty well." -Lois, age 16
When someone you love has side effects from cancer treatments, you too have to
learn to live with these changes. It may seem a little strange at first, or
scary, but other people have found that they soon got used to it. Some people
outside the family may not understand, and they may hurt the feelings of the
person with cancer.
"When my little brother, James, went back to school, he was still on chemo
and had lost all his hair, so he wore a baseball cap. One day a kid pulled the
cap off and teased him. James said everybody stared at him. Mom says we should
feel sorry for that kid because he doesn't know any better. But I don't, I feel
sorry for James."-Amy, age 12
It's hard to imagine why anyone would want to tease James, but it's not as
important to know why someone did it as it is to know that these things may
happen, and that you can't always protect your brother or sister. What you can
do for people with cancer is try to understand how they feel and help them see
that they still have friends. And, if you tease them from time to time, like
you did before they had cancer, it's not a bad thing, as long as you don't keep
it up for long or keep doing it when you see that it really hurts their
feelings. Brothers and sisters all tease each other, and it's important that,
even when your brother or sister has cancer, you treat each other as much like
before as you can.
You may be shocked if the person who has cancer looks different after coming
home.
"My dad has cancer, and he was in the hospital for a long time. When he
finally got to come home, he was still really sick. I had to help him up the
stairs because he was so weak. It was strange, because he had always been so
big and strong, and now he was weak. It bothered me."-Richard, age 16
Even if someone tells you that your family member won't look the same, you may
not be prepared for the changes. Try to find out what type of changes to
expect. It may be hard for you, but it's important to remember that, even if
they look different, they're still the same person.
Some young people who have a family member with cancer may change a little
themselves. Sometimes they don't realize it or don't know why. But, with all
the new and different experiences and feelings, it's not surprising that people
change. They may have trouble at school or be unable to concentrate or to get
along with other people as well as they did before.
They may start to be a little less careful or do things that are dangerous,
maybe getting hurt more often.
They may worry a lot about getting sick themselves and may even get sick more
often. Their school grades may fall, or they may become more involved in school
than they were before and make better grades.
Any of these changes can happen because young people who are scared or worried
or whose lives have changed may need more attention at home. Just as with other
problems or worries, it helps to talk with people who care and understand
what's happening.
If you haven't noticed that you have changed, someone else may notice and want
to talk to you about it. If they do, it's because they want to help. Your
parents or teachers or social workers at the hospital or clinic all may be able
to help if you've changed in a way that isn't good for you or that makes you
sad and uncomfortable.
Not all of the changes are bad; some may be good. Many young people who have
had cancer in the family felt it has helped them grow up. Others say it also
has brought their family closer together.
"My brother is in remission now. Things were pretty bad at first. Then,
after a while, things sort of settled down and got back to the way they were
before. I think Billy's cancer brought us all closer together. I get along
better with him and my sister and even with my older brother now. I'm closer to
mom and dad. And I think we all grew up a lot while he was sick."-Alice,
age 15
Remember
- Don't be ashamed or afraid of the way you feel. Others in your situation have felt the same way.
- Sometimes things are better if you talk about them. Share your feelings with your parents,
or another adult, or a friend you can trust.
- Learn about cancer and the way it is treated. What we first imagine about cancer
is often far worse than what is really happening.
- Try to find other people your age who have a person in their family with cancer or
a serious illness. You may be able to share your feelings with them.
- If you overhear someone talking and what you hear scares you, ask them
to explain what they said. Don't assume that you heard everything and understood
what it meant; ask about it.
- Don't forget the adults other than your parents who can help you.
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How Your Parents Feel
If someone in your family has cancer, you may wonder how your parents
feel. There's no one answer to this question. Just like everyone else, parents
may feel many different things when they have cancer themselves or when
another member of their family does. They may be worried, scared, tired,
or a little confused by all the decisions they need to make and all the
changes that cancer can bring. Along with this, parents want to be strong
so they can help everyone else, and they want to keep the family together
during this time. They may feel that they don't have enough energy to do
all the things they would like to do or share all they'd like to with other
family members. This section tells some things parents have said about how
they feel.
A parent who has cancer may worry that by being sick they are upsetting
the family's life.
"I feel bad because now that I'm sick my husband tries to be with me
a lot. I think my children's feelings are hurt but they won't say so. I
just wish we could talk about it as a family."
Or parents may know that being sick means that they can't do some things
with their children that other parents do. They may wish they could, and
they feel guilty.
"I feel like I'm letting my son down, like I'm not being a real
father because I can't run around with him the way other fathers do."
When this happens, parents find they need to look for something they
can do with their children that they'll all enjoy.
A parent whose husband or wife has cancer often needs to learn to do
new things for their family and may be concerned about how well they'll
do.
"Now that my wife is sick, I need to be both mother and father
while she's in the hospital. I'm afraid I don't do as good a job at some
things as she does. The other day, our youngest son said 'Mommy never scrambled
eggs like that.' I don't blame him, I'd rather eat her cooking, too. I asked
her how she scrambles eggs and now at least breakfast tastes a little better."
Parents don't expect their children to pretend that everything is all
right or tastes great when it doesn't. Even if they get mad for a while,
most parents would rather hear what other family members feel than not know
when others are upset.
Parents may know when they've been treating a child with cancer differently
than they treat the others or when they've been short-tempered. They may
feel like they can't help it but still wish it didn't happen.
"After I spend a day in the pediatrics clinic with Lisa, I'm
so drained when I get home that I yell at my other kids over little things.
Then they get upset, and I get more upset because I know that I shouldn't
have done that."
Some parents worry that their children are upset, and even though they
want to help their children, they don't know what to do. Sometimes this
is because young people don't want to talk to their parents about cancer.
They may be afraid that their parents will worry or won't understand. In
fact, most parents worry more if they feel you are upset, but they don't
know why, or you won't discuss it with them.
"Since I've been sick, my kids have changed. I know something
is bothering them, but when I ask what it is, they say it's nothing I just
wish they would talk about it. I want to help them."
Often, one thing young people can do to help is to talk about how they
feel and give their parents a chance to say how they feel, too.
Parents say that they want their children to know that the family is there
to help even when one of its members has cancer. Your family life may change
when someone has cancer. The important thing, however, is that you're a
family, and families solve problems together. If you need some extra help,
talk with the doctor, nurse, or social worker. And remember: Even if life
is a little different, you're still a family, and your family is still there
for you.
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Putting It All Together
There are many different ways to think and feel about having a person
with cancer in your family. It's important to remember that people can learn
to adjust to changes in their lives. Sometimes it takes a little work, but
you can almost always find some thing or someone who can help you when you
need it. Keep trying and don't be afraid to ask for help.
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Resources
You may want more information for yourself, your family, and your doctor. The
following National Cancer Institute (NCI) services are available to help you.
Telephone
Cancer Information Service (CIS)
Provides accurate, up-to-date information on cancer to patients and their
families, health professionals, and the general public. Information specialists
translate the latest scientific information into understandable language and
respond in English, Spanish, or on TTY equipment.
Toll-free: 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237)
TTY: 1-800-332-8615
Internet
Cancer.gov
NCI's Web site provides comprehensive information about cancer causes and
prevention, screening and diagnosis, treatment and survivorship; clinical
trials; statistics; funding and training; and the Institute's programs and
research activities.
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